Dear Loved One, Sometimes It’ll Be The Whole Cake

Written by by Shiri Macri, MA, LCMHC, Clinical Director, Green Mountain at Fox Run’s Women’s Center for Binge & Emotional Eating

cake

An open letter to loved ones supporting women who struggle with eating 
Dear Loved One,

You might already know that I’m someone who has used food in excess to cope with my difficult emotions, to try to meet unmet needs, to quiet shame, to mask fear, among other reasons.

I’m not necessarily drinking large quantities of alcohol, nor using illicit substances. Instead, I turn to eating in part to numb/distract/escape/avoid/stuff/fill emotions that I find unbearable.

I am not doing this because I’m being indulgent, or permissive, or lazy, or because I don’t give a care. Quite the opposite. I’m doing this because I’m suffering. This is how inner pain manifests for me.

I know you love me and care about me and want the best for me. Often times the things you do and say show that…and sometimes they don’t.

With that in mind, I want to help you help me. I know this is what we all ultimately want. So here are some ways you can truly support me.

1. TRUST ME
I’m learning to trust myself and my body and so I’m making purposeful choices on what I choose to eat, how much and when. No foods are excluded.

I’m eating regularly, in a balanced way and mindfully, which allows all foods to be ‘back on the table’; that’s what balance is about. Think of it as: “Mostly plants, and sometimes cake”.

2. I’M LOOKING AT ALL MEASUREMENTS OF SUCCESS…NOT ONLY THE SCALE.
The scale is just a measurement of my gravitational pull to the earth. I might use it, but only in part, or I might not use it at all.

From a health perspective…medically speaking, that is, I can have healthy ‘numbers’ such as blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, etc., even if the number on the scale doesn’t match weight charts.

So besides the scale, I’m also going to look at:

  • My energy level
  • My positivity
  • My pace
  • How my clothes fit
  • My complexion
  • My confidence
  • My social interactions
  • My awareness and honoring of hunger/satiety cues
  • Etc
  • Etc
  • Etc

With that, please don’t ask about my weight – instead, it’s much more meaningful to ask how I feel.

3. SOMETIMES WHEN I EAT, IT’LL BE THE WHOLE CAKE. YEAH, THE WHOLE CAKE.
Again, I am someone who has used food in excess to bear the unbearable. So…if it’s the whole cake, know that shaming me will only perpetuate the problem.

Shame is already one of the ‘unbearables’ I need to cope with, so please don’t give me more.

Know that when it’s the whole cake, it’s not about me being permissive. I am not being indulgent. I am not, not caring. I AM SUFFERING.

If it’s the whole cake, something’s up. I don’t want to eat the whole cake. So when that happens, please support me by offering a hug, telling me you love me and letting me know you’re here when I need you.

Because I WILL NEED YOU.

Thank you for supporting me.

Yours,

Me
Knowing that support at home is so important to healing struggles with eating, this letter is shared with women who participate in Green Mountain at Fox Run’s non-diet psychoeducational program and its Women’s Center for Binge & Emotional Eating. For information on our programs, visit our website: https://www.fitwoman.com/therapy-services-eating-disorder/ or contact our specialists at 800.448.8106. You can also find us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
Content originally posted on 9/8/16 at https://www.fitwoman.com/blog/sometimes-it-will-be-the-whole-cake/