What NOT to Say to Someone Struggling with an Eating Disorder
From our Friends at Within
Written by: Jamie Singleteary, LPC, NCC, Director of Clinical Brand Development and Alumni Programming at Within
If you know someone who is struggling with an eating disorder, whether it’s a family member, close friend, or even coworker, it’s only natural to want to support them in any way you can. For most of us, it’s difficult to know exactly how to support someone, so we offer words of encouragement. While you may have someone’s best interests at heart and only have good intentions, some words may do more harm than good.
Harmful phrases and why they’re problematic
Here are some phrases that you may think someone with an eating disorder wants to hear, but in actuality, they probably don’t.
“You look so healthy!” or “You look great!”
Telling someone they look great or healthy can be triggering. This phrase for someone struggling with an eating disorder can be interpreted as a change in weight, which they can view as negative. These comments can also invalidate the struggles that they’re currently experiencing.
What to say instead
Instead of telling someone they look great, compliment them on something that doesn’t refer to their appearance.
“Just eat more,” or “Just eat less.”
These comments firstly come across as though you don’t think their eating disorder is an actual mental illness and that it should be easy for someone just to eat “normally.” Again, it invalidates the eating disorder and the fact that it’s a complex mental illness.
What to say instead
Instead of telling someone to adjust their eating habits, express your understanding of their struggles and offer emotional support.
“I wish I had your self-control.”
Telling someone that you wish you had their self-control can reinforce their disordered eating behaviors and romanticize their disorder. You don’t want to make any comments that can make someone rethink whether or not they have an eating disorder in the first place, as this can be a slippery slope and make them start back at square one.
What to say instead
Instead of complimenting someone on their self-control, especially regarding food restrictions, show that you understand their challenges and encourage them to seek professional help.
“Are you sure you have an eating disorder? You don’t look like it.”
It’s a common misconception that eating disorders present themselves in someone’s appearance. When most people think of eating disorders, they think of someone being extremely thin when, in fact, many people can have eating disorders that do not affect their physical appearance.
Asking someone who has identified that they have an eating disorder and are already seeking help if they’re sure they have a disorder can make it seem like you aren’t taking it seriously and are invalidating that they have a mental illness. It minimizes the severity of their disorder and can make them isolate themselves.
What to say instead
Don’t question someone’s eating disorder diagnosis. Show that you respect their experience and don’t comment on their appearance. Instead of asking if they’re sure they have an eating disorder, ask them how you can support them on their recovery journey.
“I know how you feel—I skip meals sometimes too.”
Again, this comment can minimize someone’s experience with their disorder. Just because you skip meals doesn’t mean you’re going through the same thing. Saying this makes it seem as though you don’t fully believe that they have an eating disorder.
What to say instead
Instead of saying you know how they feel, acknowledge their pain and struggle. Don’t compare their feelings or experiences with your own.
“You’re just doing this for attention.”
Saying that someone is claiming they have an eating disorder for attention is extremely harmful and can worsen their mental illness. It takes a lot for someone to admit they have an eating disorder and to seek help or confide in others, so saying this can worsen their struggle and make them isolate themselves even more.
What to say instead
It’s important to show empathy towards someone with an eating disorder. Even if you don’t fully understand what they are going through or why they are having struggles, the last thing you should do is to say they’re making up the disorder. Instead, encourage an open dialogue—admit that you don’t know much about what they’re experiencing, but communicate that you’re willing to learn.
“Should you really be eating that?” or “Wow, you’re eating a lot!”
You should never comment on what or how much someone is eating. This can make someone with an eating disorder feel even more insecure than they already do. Comments like these can cause guilt and anxiety around food and are the reasons people are afraid to eat in front of others, binge eat, and engage in self-induce vomiting.
What to say instead
Do not comment on anyone’s eating habits. If you notice that someone’s eating behavior is not in line with their treatment plan, offer encouragement by asking how their treatment is going. Acknowledge that it’s a challenging journey, but you’re there to support them.
How to offer support to a loved one
As a friend or family member of someone with an eating disorder, you aren’t expected to know what to say immediately. You’re not there as the sole person to help them recover—that’s what the healthcare professionals are there for. However, there are several things you can do that will support them and make a positive difference in their journey.
Listen
Those struggling with a mental illness like an eating disorder commonly find it difficult to share what they’re going through due to fear of being judged or misunderstood. Being a good listener can lessen someone’s anxiety around food and help them work through any stressful situations.
Encourage professional help
Often, professional help from therapists, doctors, and dietitians is required for long-lasting recovery from an eating disorder. Encourage your loved one to seek help, even if it’s just an initial phone call with a treatment center.
If someone is hesitant to get treatment, suggest remote options that can be done from the comfort of their home where they don’t have to leave their normal lives.
Be compassionate
Show compassion and understanding when talking to someone with an eating disorder. Emphasize that you care and want to support them in any way you can. Ensure they don’t feel judged and help them feel safe enough to share their thoughts and feelings.
Educate yourself
Before offering any kind of advice or thoughts on someone’s recovery, educate yourself about eating disorders and their specific struggles. The more you know about what they are experiencing from a medical standpoint, the better equipped you will be to show up with understanding and compassion.
